Bottom line: I've been to a ton of festivals.  I've been searched, scanned, frisked and wanded more than anyone I know.  I know WHAT security is looking for and WHERE they will look first.  If you want something inside, I know how to get it there.

...but enough of that.  Because I'm no shady lady I'm not going to regale you with tales of items I've smuggled into festival grounds.  Why not?  Well, firstly I don't want to blow my cover (tee hee).  Second, I don't want to implicate myself ... not that I have done anything illegal.  EVER.  (heh)  But lastly, and most importantly, this is about keeping y'all safe and happy at the festival, not weaving yarns of chinese lanterns shoved down pant legs and ecstasy tablets hidden in bags of garbage.

So what I AM going to do, is lay it out all for you; what you should be packing when you're headed out to the grounds. (Hint number one: it doesn't include 'heat').  Because once you master this list my friends, you will never fear a festival for as long as you live.  And you might one day have the opportunity to look as dashing as this vision below:

Oh, yes. That is one handsome & PREPARED gentleman there.

Well, enough lollygaggin' and staring at that ravishing creature!  Let's get started!

BRING THESE ITEMS TO EVERY FESTIVAL AND YOU WILL BE A MUCH HAPPIER PERSON

• Refillable water bottle(s)/Camelbak: Because duh, water.
• Waterproof wristwatch: Phones don’t last forever and are annoying to use as timepieces. Get a cheap-ish one at Target or Wal-Mart and you won’t have to worry about missing your favorite set because you don’t know what time it is – especially if you get it wet by jumping in a fountain or someone spills beer all over it.
• Small backpack/fanny pack: To carry your stuff, if you didn’t opt for the Camelbak option.
• Money clip/slim wallet: Something low-profile and no-frills; you don’t have to have tote your whole wallet around the grounds as you run the risk of losing it – and everything in it. Just something for the bare minimum: ID, cash, card.
• Small chair (if allowed): A lot of festivals are allowing chairs in now if they are not too much of a obstruction for anyone sitting down. There are some lovely, light and durable models available today that are well worth the cash.
• Beach towel/blanket: If ground-sitting is more your jam, always best to put something between your booty and the grounds themselves – some nasty things end up there that are often gag-worthy when discovered.
• Portable phone charger: Again, always a good idea. Charging stations at festivals are always mobbed, they take forever, and for some reason are never placed near any stages.  Save your sanity by picking up one of these bad boys and never fear missing a set (or possibly losing your group).
• Hat, sunglasses, bandana, etc. : Sun = bright + hot. Shade your self (especially your face) and spare your brow the constant cataract of sweat that is bound to cascade down your face lest you dam it up with cloth.
• Sunblock and aloe: Again, sun = hot.  Hot = burn.  These goopy go-to’s are the best way to soothe the sting (or avoid it altogether).
• Chapstick: Lips get sunburnt too! Chapstick helps with that.  Try to find one with an SPF.
• Anti-perspirant deodorant: Not just for smelly pits -- if walking all day makes your thighs rub together a lot, slicking some of this stuff on your inner thighs (or wherever your chub-rub might happen) before heading out and periodically throughout the day will prevent that area from sweating -- thus, no chafing!  WOOHOO!
• Hand sanitizer: EVERYWHERE.
• Gum, candy, toothpicks (for oral fixators): If you constantly have something in your mouth and you’re not a smoker (or trying to quit!) save yourself some anxiety by picking up something to keep your tongue and teeth busy.
• Tissues: Festival boogs.
• Dust mask (if you’re sensitive to fine particulates): Laugh if you want but I have been to some festivals where at times it felt like we were caught inside a Dirt Devil. They have the cheap paper ones or you can get a fancy, high-tech one that Burners use to keep the playa out of their pulmonary organs.
• Notepad and pen: Setlists! Directions!  Phone numbers!  Sketches!  !
• Fan (battery-operated or paper): They even have battery-operated ones that squirt water. Oh, and paper fans are fabulous.
• Earplugs: Some sets get REALLY loud. Be nice to your eardrums and pack a pair or two (or three).  These range from the crappy foam ones to nicer, reusable models that actually filter the sound – letting the good stuff in and keeping the icky thumps out.
• Totem/balloon/marker: Because it’s cute and makes it easier for your party to find you. Just don’t carry a balloon with a long string on a windy day (I speak from experience…).
• Fun costume/hat: If you don’t want to bring a totem, BE the totem! Make yourself stand out, and you’ll not only be easy to spot – you’ll be a conversation piece.
• Small personal camera: Whether you’re a fan of the single use, the Polaroid, or the digital point & shoot, I always like to have a camera on-hand that isn’t my phone.
• Warm clothing (Hat/sweatshirt/scarf, etc.): It can get cold really quick in some places, and rather unexpectedly. Keep up with a forecast and pack a shield from the elements – even something light will make you a million times happier than you would be if you were cold.
• Toilet paper/moist wipes/sanitary napkins: Port-a-potty TP doesn’t last forever. That’s all I’m gonna say.
• Rain gear: Again, keeping up with the forecast will help guide you here. Even an umbrella hat or a garbage bag poncho can make a world of difference.
• Mini flashlight: It gets dark and port-a-potties are nasty by nightfall. Don’t you think seeing where you’re sitting will help put your mind at ease for those stumbly trips to the toilet?
• Extra lighters: ..If you smoke.  Or if you just like fire.  OR if you just live for those moments where you can say, “Yes!  I do have a lighter!”
• Good sturdy shoes: Even better, more than one pair of shoes, especially if you insist on primarily wearing flip flops.
• An open mind and a positive attitude: Self-explanatory.

 FOR CAMPING FESTIVALS -- in addition to your standard camping gear (tent, canopy, chairs, etc.), you might want to consider…

• First-Aid kit: From burns to bugbites, hangnails to hangovers, skin cuts to icky guts… it’s always best to be prepared. antiinflammatories, antacids, antihistamines, antiseptics…you get the picture.
• iPod/bluetooth stereo: Because music!
• Jumper cables: Don’t even get me started.
• Sleep mask: It’s bright in the morning and tents don’t do anything to shield you from it.
• Condoms: Yes, condoms – you never know.
• Batteries:
• Beer cozies: Cold beer > warm beer
• Flashlight/lantern: See ‘mini flashlight’ in the section above and multiply it by four ENTIRE NIGHTS.
• Cards/Board games: Who doesn’t love waking up to a rousing game of Kings Cup in the morning?
• Camp cup/thermos/mug: Cut down on your trash at the end of the week by ditching the 3059823059820 solo cups and picking up a nice, reusable (and often insulated!) mug. Plus they come in waaaaaay cuter colors than plastic cups do.
• Cot: It makes camping a hundred billion times better. You’re elevated, you’re not sleeping on compressed air…it’s just amazing.
• Fairy lights: Or any battery-operated LED-ish kind of lights on string. They’re cool, and luminous, and they help people see you at night.
• Walkie-talkies: An ambitious undertaking, and sometimes you get crossed with a really weird channel, but SO much fun.
• Ashtray: Throw your butts somewhere that ISN’T the ground and you will hear the sigh of relief of 1000 Clean Vibes workers coming in to tidy up after you.
• Bugspray/Citronella: Not all places allow candles, but mosquitoes are the worst. Defend yourself with stinky spray and smolder!
• Knife/multitool: For those odd jobs around the camp.
• Corkscrew/bottleopener: If you were silly enough to bring glass to a campsite, might as well make the best of it and not try to open your bottle of wine with a shoe.
• Extra sunglasses: This is just good sense.
• Sheets/tarp for walls: The sun moves around during the day (actually…we’re the ones moving…whoa), and it’s usually hot while its crusing around the high part of the sky, so have some sheets or tarps rolled up and ready around your canopy to block its nasty rays from sneaking up behind you.
• Small table(s): Having ice chests as tables might seem like a good idea (I mean, most have cupholders in the lids), but having to move everything off the cooler every. Single. Time. someone needs a new beer is irritating. Buy some crappy side tables from the garden dept of a box store and you will end up being much more satisfied with the fact that your veritable fridge isn’t covered with beverages and ashtrays and garbage.
• Separate ice chests: One is never enough. Two is good, but three is best: one for food, one for alcoholic drinks, and another for water and soft drinks.
• Canopies for tents: Sure you brought a canopy for your main area, but guess what’s cooking in the sun all day while you chill under there? YOUR TENT.  Invest in another canopy or two and your slumber palace will stay cool much longer (and it helps in sleeping in too).
• PJs: Because they’re fun and it gets chilly at night. And because they’re fun.
• Campsite marker: Just like a totem for someone in the venue, a marker for your site will help you pick out your weekend home from the labyrinthine mess that is the campground.
• Garbage bags: Because they never give you enough and you don’t want to schlep over to Clean Vibes to ask for more.
• Solar batteries: Sun + solar battery = electricity. Sweet, sweet  
• Crappy carpet: Just something to throw down in the middle to keep your feet dry and to catch all the crap you’re bound to drop on the ground.
• Small camp stove: Again, not all places allow them. But if you’ve got one, there’s no better reason to break it out than festival grilled cheese.
• Spare vehicle key: Once again…don’t even get me started.
• Instruments: In case things get even more musical!
• Flask: Because you wanna sneak a drink or three into the venue and feel like your grandpappy while you do it.
• Parasol: For when you feel like taking a campground promenade you can look your best AND keep your shoulders from being burnt (plus they’re fun to twirl).
• Torch: Windproof fire.
• Outdoor activity: Baseball and couple of mitts, whiffle ball, frisbee, bocce…If it can be played in the grass, it can probably be played at a campsite.

Here are some staples of festival cuisine that will keep you full and ready for debauchery, even if you don’t have a stove!

• Canned soups/pastas/fruits/etc.: Canned stuff doesn’t need refrigeration, and you can basically cook it in the sun, either in your car or right outside in the grass.
• String cheese: Camping. Snack. EVER.  BUY HUNDREDS OF THEM.
• Nuts/Trail mix/candy: Good source of energy, protein, fiber (well, the nuts and trail mix are).
• Grapes/apples/bananas/oranges: Fruits are easy to eat, don’t need utensils, and are good for you.
• Crackers/Cookies: Simple and delicious.
• Energy bars: It’s in the name…
• Boxed wine: Because no glass allowed, and it’s a better deal anyway.
• Gatorade/vitamin water/Pedialyte: For those rougher mornings when replenishing electrolytes is priority numero uno.
• Bread: For sandwiches!
• Cold cuts/condiments: …for sandwiches!
• Nut butters/jelly/jam: …for, well, lots of stuff!
• V8/Fruit juice: Minerals.  Minimal smacks on the forehead (also V8 is a good replacement for the tomato juice in a Bloody Mary).
• Chips & Dips: Everyone’s favorite.
• Cereal: Tricky, but doable. Watch that dairy.
• Cold brew: Whether you bought a whole gallon of it or you made it overnight in your fridge, iced coffee is the way to go.   
• Iced tea: See above.
• Protein shakes: PROTES!
• Energy drinks: To help you sleep 😉
• Lunchables: Easy and disposable.
• Tortillas: For wraps!
• Greens: For your health!
• Big waters (not little bottles): Get big jugs of water, not 688 tiny water bottles.

Not JUST a daring fashion statement, umbrella hats are useful in both the rain AND the sunshine!

AVOID BRINGING THIS STUFF:

• Weapons: We’re lovers, not fighters.
• All the drugs: Just be careful.
• Confetti silly string millions of glowsticks: Again, it’s just common courtesy to the cleaners.
• A big-ass bag: They won’’t let you have it if its too big.
• Professional camera: No Professional Camera Equipment Allowed means nothing with a detachable lens (most SLRs and dSLRS can get through the doors. It will be confiscated.
• Stuff to sell: This ain’t the time to hawk your new line of banana hammocks or promote your new fragrance, it’s time to see music
• Culturally insensitive attire/accessories: We get it, you are 100% Anglo-Saxon but you look SO CUTE in a native American headdress. Still not cool though.
• Copious amounts of alcohol: Calm down, hon. Nobody can drink 500 beers in one weekend, I don’t care what frat you were in before you graduated from Florida State with a Bachelor’s of AWESOMENESS.
• Glass: Not anywhere is this allowed. Don’t even bother trying, it’s not worth the hassle.
• Fireworks/explosives: See above.
• Computers/Anything super valuable: It’ll either get stolen, or it will melt.
• Tons of luggage: You’re going to a festival, not on a month-long cruise.
• Pets: It sounds like a great idea, but you will totally traumatize your animals this way (plus there’s no way anyone would let it happen – no matter how cute the pooch is).
• Any wheeled vehicle: Unless you’re at Burning Man, most places won’t let you bring anything that moves faster than a walking person inside. So leave the scooters and skateboards and hoverboards at home.

Happy Festing!

The Journey Continues Tomorrow ... Stay Tuned.