TRAVELOGUE / LIFE / MUSINGS
Corey Bell, Stage Traveler & Blogger
First Breath After Coma:
The first steps of the Ultimate Journey
“It’s all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it.”
Truer words are very seldom spoken, Travelers. As sentient, “intelligent” beings that exist here on Earth, we humans struggle with a constant burden every day, of which most – if not all – other lifeforms on our planet seem to be completely oblivious. We as the most developed species in the world subconsciously assign meaning to all that we experience, whether it be a means of communicable identification (language), an exploration of actions via the balance of probable consequence/reaction (emotion), or the explanation of the physical existence of the universe (mathematics and scientific theory). Humanity is a tribe that craves answers. And while most animals act on instinct and are driven by primal forces that have been etched into their DNA, WE always have to ask “Why?”
This thirst for knowledge is a gift, yes, but it can also be an encumbrance, so much that some people have either barricaded themselves in a prison of belief (which is sometimes rooted in denial), or they have driven themselves mad trying to reach a satisfying finale to this futile quest. They need that tidy little solution that finally lays out the elusive “meaning of life.”
If there is such a thing as the true “meaning of life,” it’s apparently not something we’re supposed to figure out while we’re alive, or someone would have done so already and would be known the world over as something like the “KeyMaster” or “TruthHolder,” or some other equally ridiculous title – not to mention they would be STUPID rich. Instead, we are left assign our own unique meaning to existence, one that can pertain to each one of us individually. Some choose to lean towards the more grandiose and illustrious end of the spectrum in how they study and traverse their life’s path, while others rely on simpler credos, such as the one written above.
And even though Kermit the Frog mournfully speaks that simple yet poignant line (in reference to his recently-deceased son) at a Christmas dinner that, as fate would have it, would never actually occur in reality (that is, in the reality that exists within the scope of The Muppet Christmas Carol), it still rings true. Life is full of meetings and partings…of firsts and lasts, of beginnings and endings. Life itself is bookended by such extremes, after all.
This is actually a happy piece, if you can believe it.
It’s about your humble Traveler’s wacky and disjointed odyssey through the American southeast, half-work-related experiment, half-ultimate relationship test. Now, I have never had a job before that allowed for too much experimentation per se, nor have I never been so perfectly enamored with someone to even consider locking myself in a car and hotel room for two weeks. But travelling through the entire Southeast over the course of a few days? Pretty standard stuff for me. So, definitely not a first for me personally, but for my traveling companion, it was a veritable deluge of firsts … which in turn, allowed me to see things through a completely different lens, almost as if I was seeing everything again as new experience...just as he was. And that was a feeling I had never felt before ever in my entire life.
I’ve enjoyed a fair amount of privilege in my life, I admit, and due to said privilege I have seen and done more in thirty years than many people do in a lifetime. I have traveled extensively. I have immersed myself in different cultures and sub-cultures of all kinds; urged my soul to try everything I could, from slipping into the spiritual serenity of Hawaii and the natural beauty of Costa Rica, to diving headfirst into the murky hazardous shadows of contemporary EDM festivals and their inherent culture of excess. I’ve lived in three of America’s most vibrant and breathtaking cities and have traveled to (or through) 45 of our 50 states. So, this trip to Knoxville by way of Austin & South by Southwest (not to mention a quick jaunt up north to my home region of New England)? No biggie, just another few thousand clicks on the odometer for me. But for Michael, it was completely different. A whole new world, a world of firsts that may have seemed like impossibilities in the past. Like finding the wardrobe and entering into Narnia. […Except without the big talking cat. And we didn’t have any Turkish Delight. Though there was quite a bit of snow, and I can be a bit of a witch sometimes. *snap snap*]
"I was seeing everything again as new experience...just as he was."
For instance, he had never seen New York City, a notion that is virtual insanity to someone like me, though I did grow up only about a hundred miles or so east of there. Oh, and I did actually live there for six years as well. So, there’s that too. But not only had Michael not seen New York, he had never even been north of the Mason-Dixon line, as the farthest up he had travelled was Washington DC. So, in addition to NYC, he had also never enjoyed the majestic natural bounty of say, northeastern New Jersey either. Such beauty…such grace…….*sigh.*
Drive-thru daiquiri shops. Long Island Sound. Gas stations that don’t allow you to pump your own gas. Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers. A frozen lake. Hotel hair dryers that came in faux-velvet bags with the words HAIR DRYER sewn into them. Buc-ee’s Travel Shops. Ordering drinks from a bar with the words “to-go” tacked on.
These are just a few of many firsts I had the opportunity to share with my new love. There’s something about seeing someone experience anything for the first time, especially if you care deeply about the person. No matter how trivial something might be – a giant gas station market plastered in imagery of its goofy beaver mascot, for instance – it often strikes a chord deep within you both, as sharing some thing or some place that brings you joy with someone who brings you joy can easily vibrate both parties’ heartstrings simultaneously; two souls resonating in wondrous harmony.
The onset of any relationship is defined as a series of firsts: first dates, first kisses, first meals, first fights, first farts…you get the point. They mark the beginnings of something through initiating a collection of actions or concepts that are often fairly commonplace, but these events take on a unique meaning and weight as they are experienced with someone special. These first instances become momentous, as they form a special kind of memory upon their inception, neurons bundled with something more than just the normal threads of memory. They boast higher significance, as they are not only the first time something wonderful is encountered, but also has the distinct possibility of being the last. Nothing in life is guaranteed; many things happen one time and never again, be it a person tasting sushi once and being so disgusted that they never do it again, or perhaps something more tragic, such as a child’s second trip to Disneyland being cut short by a fatal accident (I know! Right now I bet y’all are like WTF COREY TOO FAR). Facing the finality of anything that was once comfortable and consistent is always difficult; having to do so when it comes to something that was downright magnificent – at least in your mind, even for just a moment – can be devastating, and often is.
There are two common ways we experience finality, and the difference lies only in the manner of its expectedness. In other words, we react differently if we are aware of the inevitability or imminence of “the end,” whether it be a student’s last class in a course he or she was particularly fond of, or someone’s final night in a home they can no longer afford, or a person choosing to ultimately end their current relationship. Knowing the shit is about to hit the proverbial fan can help soften the blow, as a spontaneous ending is more often than not a much less welcome end.
Decisiveness gives us the power to turn certain moments into endpoints, which means we can take some degree of comfort in making those choices, knowing that we are in somewhat of a position of “power.” Though this kind of conviction can be a double-edged sword. Even having this kind of “power” can be devoid of comfort. Depending on how big of a decision one has to make, it can be a much less appealing position to be in, as reaching those breaking points means drastic measures have to be taken. To assume that kind of responsibility may be healthy, yes (dependent on the circumstances), and ultimately may be the best option for the future of one or all parties involved. Reaching that point-of-no-return can be as tough as finally pulling the trigger on the decision, if not tougher. Consciously eliminating the existence of a possible “next” and nailing the label of “last” onto anything is a test many feel they are not strong enough to pass.
But, my dear Travelers, fear not: a well-timed “last” has the potential of creating/leading to a whole new slew of firsts.
A plethora of possibility and a whole new lease on life can be just around the corner. It might take scaling a mountain of slippery shit and traversing the bottomless abyss of despair and hopelessness, but you might just find a paradise waiting for you on the other side.
Sounds pretty farfetched, doesn’t it? Well, I would never have believed it myself, but then one day, I actually found it: my Eden. My utopia. My Valhalla. My Candyland. And now I tend not to think too much about endings so much, because I am still wading through the warm, fertile spring of beginnings.
…But it does happen. I’m only human. I am so afraid of losing this nirvana I have found in the eyes and arms and soul of this beautiful creature who has blessed me with his existence, his smile, his love. Ugly patterns emerge in my thinking from time to time – vile, despicable patterns that have been tattooed onto my brain and heart by those in my past who prided themselves on tearing me down and taking joy out of repeatedly crushing me, scooping me up and pulverizing me again and again, lining me up and taking me as a drug to satisfy their addiction to my suffering. Occasionally these inky thoughts bleed through the silky immaculateness of my newfound happiness, staining its pristine surface with ugly blotches of insecurity and anxiety. It just makes things worse. At times I would think I was doing the smart thing by recognizing these sorts of sequences as a red flag in how to avoid those who wish me harm, but that’s not the case here. I have come to realize that this time, it’s all me. In doing everything in my power to avoid repeating instances of my past, I end up just exacerbating things, creating problems that aren’t necessarily there.
"In doing everything in my power to avoid repeating instances of my past, I end up just exacerbating things, creating problems that aren’t necessarily there."
And I feel myself slipping. I’m backing up inch by inch, towards the edge of a precipice that has the power to kill this ecstasy with which I have enveloped myself. But instead of turning around and halting in my tracks, I just end up pulling myself down the cliff thinking the parachute will be enough to save me. More often than not, it’s not a parachute at all, just a backpack full of anvils drawn all cartoon-like, ready to yank me to the very bottom of everything amidst a flurry of animated smoke plumes and brass-band sound effects.
It’s time to turn this possible “last” into something lasting.
Because there were a huge number of firsts for me on this journey too. Besides visiting one of the six states I had not yet been to yet (Arkansas!), I felt things – or versions of things – I had never before encountered with someone I was with:
Trust. Understanding. Acceptance. Intimacy. Compassion. Love.
My mind is still boggled as to why this saint, this necessary angel, this veritable demi-god decided to take his chances on yours truly. I’m just a regular guy, an average basket case jaded by wounds of previous scorn; but the fates aligned and drove me to stumble upon him some lonely night in February, when I was reeling from one the worst endings I have had to face thus far in my life, and I was sure there would be no more firsts for the rest of my days.
This endlessly creative, supportive, loving, giving, indispensably compassionate and beautiful soul – who could have anyone in the world – opted to try me on for size. Lucky for me, I just happen to be the perfect fit in his eyes. I can’t even explain the gratitude I feel that fortune awarded me such a staggeringly remarkable person to share my life with. No star in the sky is more luminous, no sunset in the world is more breathtaking, no diamond in the depths of the Earth is stronger and more dazzling than my Michael. I want to share the rest of my firsts with him and only him. I’ve known ever since the day after I met him, which is wshen I asked him to join me on this trip. It started as a mission whose goal was to churn out oodles of “consumable content,” yet it ultimately became a lesson in overcoming finality, embracing possibility, and experiencing wonder through shared experience. A spontaneous, somewhat subconscious quest for understanding, for gratitude, and for my own sense of meaning. It also showed me how much I could mean to another person; something I have failed to recognize in the past, yet something I will never forget.
This month marks ten years since my mother left this Earth. That was the most brutal parting I have ever had to cope with in my thirty years of age, Travelers. But ever since then, I have heard whispers in the air from time to time, telling me to remember how to live. Because sometimes I forget; a silly & foolish thing to do, yes, but my mind likes to act childish at times, lobbing heavy boulders of anxiety, doubt and distrust my way to fuck with my life’s trajectory. But I am finally starting to pay attention. I’ve sidestepped some shots, but I still get grazed from time to time. The important thing I am now learning to remember is to press on, as there are several meetings – and partings – I have to be present for down the road.
And I can’t be late. I won’t be late.
VICE-VERSA: Ordinal Extremes in Music
- “The First” – Tegan & Sara
- “First Breath After Coma” – Explosions in the Sky
- “The First Taste” – Fiona Apple
- “First Love” – Adele
- “The First Song” – Band of Horses
- “First Light” – My Morning Jacket
- “First Episode at Hienton” – Elton John
- “Say it First” – Sam Smith
- “First Night” – Andy Stott
- “First Born (Four Tet Remix) – Crazy Bald Heads
- “First Communion” – Gang Gang Dance
- “First Light” – Django Django
- “First Song” – Andrew Bird
- “First Day of My Life” – Bright Eyes
- “The Heart Asks Pleasure First:m The Promise (Theme from The Piano) – Michael Nyman
- “The Undiscovered First” – Feist
- “Love at First Sight” – Kylie Minogue
- “Louie the First” – Duck Sauce
- “First Crush” – Empire of the Sun
- “First it Giveth” – Queens of the Stone Age
- “First Caress” – Spoon
- “Very First Breath” – Hudson Mohwake feat. Irfane
- “One of These Things First” – Nick Drake
- “Do You Remember the First Time?” – Pulp
- “First Week/Last Week…Carefree” – Talking Heads
- “Last Nite” – The Strokes
- “Last Dance” – Rhye
- “The Last Thing You Should Do” – David Bowie
- “Last Soul” – In the Valley Below
- “Last Place” – Broken Social Scene
- “Last Chance on the Stairway” – Duran Duran
- “The Ego’s Last Stand” – The Flaming Lips
- “The Last Time” – Gnarls Barkley
- “Last Year” – alt-J
- “Brother (Last Ride)” – Lord Huron
- “Last Living Souls” – Gorillaz
- “Last Words” – Hospitality
- “Last Dance” – Dua Lipa
- “Last Minute” – Hooray for Earth
- “The Last Dregs” – TR/ST
- “Last Night at the Jetty” – Panda Bear
- “Last Thing” – Orbital
- “Last Century Man” – Solomon Grey
- “Last Call (Go Home)” – The Orwells
- “One Last Look” – Amon Tobin
- “Last Light” – Zero 7 feat. Jose Gonzalez
- “The Last Time I Saw Richard” – Joni Mitchell
- “Last Words” – STRFKR
- “Last Days of Disco” – Saint Etienne
- “The Last to Die” – Pet Shop Boys
- “The Last Living Rose” – PJ Harvey
- “Last Flowers” – Radiohead
- “The Last Picture Show” – Rogue Wave
- “The Last Song” – Sleater-Kinney
- “This is the Last Time” – The National
- “Last Land” – John Talabot
- “Last Leaf” – OK Go
- “To The Last” – James Blake
- “Last Time” – Moderat
- “Last Goodbye” – Jeff Buckley
